Airplane Travels - Flying the Friendly Skys

Given that my last diatribe garnered so many comments I thought that I might continue with some more "observations" on the subject. I hesitate somewhat, because the most derided subject in the world for most comedians is the subject of airline travel, so I beg pardon from my gentle readers, with an excuse on two fronts. Firstly, I am an observer of the human spirit and my observations take place over several decades and across many cultures. I'm not going to comment on the Boston to Vegas run. You've all done that and have your own observations. Secondly, I believe that I am somewhat of an authority on the subject having flown nearly one million miles in my business career alone. I've done a lot of other flying (falling with style?) but that is fodder for another mill at another time perhaps. In no order of importance I give you - Flying the Friendly skies.

• Mileage Clubs - how is it that if I accumulate miles, the airlines can tell me that they expire, that there are blackouts and that I can't travel with more than two people, and that I can't sit where I want to sit on the airplane? If I pay top dollar for a Omaha to Chicago run because I booked late, my 300 points is the same as the old lady next to me who paid 1/3 the price because she has the luxury of booking 6 months ahead of time? Then when I redeem, they pull all the blackout and choice seat crap on me?

• People, people, people - I know that you want to be comfortable when flying, but here are a few tips that might help you out as much as they will me. First - bathe. You know you want to do it. Next Orifice cleaning. Please don't do that on the airplane. Resist with all your might the urge to poke, insert, ream, wipe, grind, scratch, rub and lick the various orifices on your body. As a libertarian, I respect your right to do so, but please, not in front of the children. And here is a bonus tip - whatever you pull from said orifices, do not examine, wad up in your fingers and throw into the aisle. KC is serious on this one.

• In terms of clothing, I need to put this in reference terms. I was in Vegas recently. At an uber posh hotel. I was in a suit. A nice one. I was working. After observing the GUMS (Great Unwashed Masses) for awhile, I noted to a colleague that Vegas has lost some of it's charm after I observed a grandmother in a bikini dragging both her breasts and a cooler behind her through the casino, holding a lit cigarette in her mouth and a bottle of Bud in one hand. And she had tattoos. Lots of them. The segue to airline travel is this. You may think you are "all laid back" and "being a precious individual" and all, but I do not. In fact WE, do not. Cover yourself up, act your age and dress like you matter. Because if you don't, the rest of us see you as a visual eye-sore. Sorry to be harsh, but please, please, please, get a mirror.

• Kids on airlplanes. There, I said it. Think of an airplane as a torture chamber in Libya. Most of us don't want to be there, and are desperately trying to figure out how to escape or control our minds for the next three hours so that we don't crack. You child screaming "I want gum" or just plain screaming is akin to CIA water-boarding and is less pleasant. How does your spawn get through a day of school without riding the short bus if they can't sit in a chair and watch movies for 3 hours? If the child is screaming - it is your fault. I don't blame them, and pity you. I blame you, and pity me! Invest in duct tape or Dimetap, each works equally well.

• Drunk guy. I know the drinks are free in first class, and I know that you feel like you are sticking it to the man by getting as many as you can in three hours, and heck, I like my JD as well, but you don't hear me saying to the attendant "heavy on the vodka baby!" or randomly yelling "that's what I'm talking about" as you imbibe. And lastly, the little red stirring device in the cup is not a straw. For the love of god it is a stir stick. That's why it is so small you see. Please do not try and suck your martini through that little hole. It won't work, and you look stupid doing it. Sheesh.

Well, those are a few of my pet peeves. I could go on. Actually, I could go on and on and on. But I won't. You see, when travelling, discretion is often the better part of both valor and comfort.

For all of us.