"A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Clintonium. Clintonium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together by light and dark particles called radical mor_ons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons."
Clintonium's mass actually increases over time, as radical mor_ons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Clintonium molecule, leading to the formation of iso-dopes. This characteristic of iso-dope promotion leads some scientists to believe that Clintonium is formed whenever radical mor_ons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Moredumbass.
When catalyzed with tax money, Clintonium activates CNNadnauseum, an element that radiates orders of magnitude of more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many iso-dope forming radical mor_ons as Clintonium."