Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Random Rant About Nothing Political

After another 8 thousand miles in planes this week I've earned a chance to blow off some digitial steam. If some of my accusations hit a little too close to home for some of you - tough turds. Here's my random kvetching of the week. In no apparent order.

1. If you are sitting at a $20,000 boardroom table, FFS use a GD coaster for your double half caf skinny latte frappucino you prissy hillbilly. Sheesh.

2. If you are a flight attendant (sky waitress!) here's a tip. No amount of you screaming "WILL ALL PASSENGERS TAKE YOUR SEATS SO WE CAN LEAVE?" over the PA will actually help the 85 year old lady get her bag into an already full overhead. If you want people to move faster, help her out so I don't have to. Grrrr.

3. I don't care about your Facebook status, your pet's flatulence or the weird growth you noticed behind your ear. Jeezub Jumped up Joseph, can we please just chat about the weather? Or I'm going to do the deaf routine again.

4. If I catch one more of you rubes taking off your shoes and socks on the plane, I'm going to steal them and flush them down the freakin' toilet so you can walk out barefoot. I'm warnin' ya here - I mean business.

5. Please don't describe your role in your company using any of the following words: architect, guru, honcho, strategist, visionary or (and I swear this is true) Chief Experience Officer. If you do, I'm going to pass your business card out to every cop I meet and say you molested me. And your flatulent cat.

6. When sizing market opportunities - learn to add, and if you want to go to the head of the class, learn to muliply. For the love of all that is holy. I actually listened to someone say that moving from 3000 sales per year to 6000 sales per year is a 200% increase. Double - get it? And this was a consultant!

7. My name is simple. It has only 6 letters. There are only two known ways in the universe to spell it unless you include Klingon. I've worked with you for 5 freaking years, and between us we have done almost $50 million in business. Could you at least spell it right in the agenda as I am your largest customer? I'm not being vain, I'm just trying to eliminate your team sending me emails that never get to me because you insist on spelling my relatively simple name wrong.

8. If you feel the need to eat on the airplane - god bless - and chow down. But could you please refrain from bringing a whole pizza on and then asking me to hold it while you hone the edge of your spork in anticipation of slaughtering it? I bring a pill bottle of peanuts as a snack. That's it.

9. Seat guy. Reclining seat guy. I'm talking to you. I don't care that you recline your seat and encroach on the 5 inches of space I have, I wasn't using all that oxygen anyways. But as a personal favor to me, could you not recline your seat back at a speed that would test relativity? I mean if you are having a grand mal seizure I get it, but throwing your whole body backwards so hard that for a moment the plane slows down is a little much. It's like making love, slow and gentle usually gets the job done. Unless you are inseminating a boar. Sheesh.

I could go on (tip of the hat to Dennis Miller!) but I feel somewhat cleansed.

And to the nice lady today that invited me up to her home in Anchorage, that was super nice of you, and super cool. I just hope your cat gets better. Maybe feed him less salmon?


  1. All very good points to validate my reasons for NOT flying anymore! I don't miss it!

    1. That comment is from Menopausalmother---for some reason I've turned into Casper the Ghost and my profile pic has disappeared!!!!!

  2. You've left out my favorites. The seat kicker and the seat grabber. Usually the same asshole.

  3. Hah - you are indeed correct. I think that some sort of Sharia hand amputation would help out that guy. The other one is Mr. "I can't count". A bag and a small personal item to this guy means, a suit bag, a roll aboard suitcase, a spare coat and a laptop and a bag of food/snacks/drinks/terminal shopping items. He then places everything 4 rows up from where he sits on the way in, thusly making the people with ONE bag have to check theirs or put it all the way at the back. The only remedy for this azzwhole is crucifiction.

  4. I agree about the "carry-on luggage", it is RIDICULOUS! More is carried into the plane than into the luggage compartment. I have an idea, if someone brings too much luggage inside then the "remedy" is the person gets checked into the luggage compartment below. THAT will solve the problem.

  5. That is the most brilliant solution I have yet heard - and now we can use the overhead for midgets!